Psychic Readings by Kuj

I'm binding books today at work, which allows for much thinking because, other than focusing on "don't crush your fingers in this medieval, Teutonic device," there isn't much going on in my head. A song playing on our radio reminded me of a spectacular precognitive moment I had a number of years ago.

Back in Illinois, when I was relaxing with friends post-work at Friday's, indulging in a Captain and Coke and playing some trivia, my dad called from the Harley 100th Anniversary rally in Milwaukee.

Fahjah said, "We're sitting here in a big field, awaiting the surprise headliner. We're so far from the stage, they've got a Jumbotron set up so we can see. We're taking suggestions on who the mystery headliner is. We've got Aerosmith, The Eagles, Bruce..."

I was MUCH angrier those days (happily that has changed some since I moved north), and my answer was, "It's probably going to be Elton John."

Fahjah: "Dawwww...you think?"
Me: "Well, what says 'Surprise!' at a Harley rally, THE Harley rally, than an old, English gay with a penchant for stupid sunglasses?"

We say goodbye and I'm back into my drink and my trivia. After a half-hour or so passes, my cell phone rings again. It's...my dad.

"So," he said, "the band starts into some long, low notes and it suddenly hits me, Jesus this is 'Funeral For A Friend!' Son of a bitch! IT'S ELTON JOHN! It was a mass exodus. A bajillion-strong leather-clad orange-and-black wave of departure. They even opened up the VIP section to everyone. I think someone's getting fired on Monday."

I'm wondering now that I've been reminded of this, if there isn't a career out there for me in predicting corporate downfalls and stock market fluctuations, assuming I gave a crap about either of those. Hey, Trish, that kitten heel on your left shoe needs a looking-at... Might as well throw a prediction out there. If I'm wrong, hey, at least Trish will have a quick opportunity to admire her own shoes...

Because you just NEVER know when...

This might come in handy one day. I'm just sayin'.

When the rest of the world thinks you're nuts.

Darn that How-To Site

Here you go, Cheryl. Official instructions on how to "Jump. Both Feet."

Sorry, dear cousin, that this is only two sentences long. You can't squeeze jeenus from a turd all the time. :-)

Undiscovered Cerebral Territory

I've been rolling this thought around in my head for some time. I believe that we all have some hidden talent that could possibly go unfound if we don't think outside our conscious creativity. I know I'm not interested in creating most types of artwork. That is a talent my brother, mom, aunt, and cousin seem to possess and, most importantly, they enjoy it. I'd rather look at it. My dad has an incredible artistic ability too, though he's really more of a genius at creating something out of nothing for the purpose of a solution. He came up with the design for my camera mount, just by sitting down and sketching out a design. And he's really good at this. The proof is in the coupe he's building. I know I can ask him very nearly anything and he knows the answer (or at least it's very convincing).

So, a month or two ago I announced to anyone who would listen that I decided I was a pinstriping genius. That was my latent talent. When Christmas arrived, my dad gave me a pinstriping kit, thus making it a sort of "put up or shut up, JEENUS." With that, and in the spirit of the following formula, I present:

Big Mouth + Pinstriping Kit + A Most Convenient Canvas + Jump. Both Feet =

Clearly, there is still a latent talent in the brain somewhere. I'll just have to keep working on this one. I expect people will be lining up to have their toilet lids striped by me within hours of this post. /end sarcasm

Gary is 60

As I've gotten older, I've become more interested in other people's perspectives, particularly when they're from another generation. I've started grilling my parents and anybody who wants to share stories from their past. A couple of weeks ago, one of the gentlemen I work with celebrated his 60th birthday. Gary is actually retired. But the man is stuffed full of energy and, honestly, I can't see him slowing down any time soon. He worked for 30 years at UW-Stout in their Publications Department and upon retiring, started with us a year or two ago.

I'm constantly grilling him about what hobbies he enjoys (locomotives, old cars, particularly Oldsmobiles and I think he has a Studebaker), what his family is like (his mom is in her 90s, but you'd never guess as active as she is), has he ever smoked pot, what it was like for him growing up. He's a soft-spoken man with a positive outlook and, while I have the mouth of a sailor, he never utters so much as a "gosh," has no vices, or even shows any emotion other than a smile and a sincere laugh. He's probably the most even keel I've ever met. We talked about this and I remarked that he's a kind of laid-back stoic. On his birthday, I asked him, "What's the biggest change in society you've seen over the years?"

His response was how things that were once considered taboo are now a common part of society. Which, if you look to 60 years ago, wow.

Sure...from my own point of view (and I'm just guessing here), women almost always wore dresses, were homemakers, made up their hair and wore makeup every day. Piercings were only on ears and only on females. Tattoos were almost exclusively on sailors. Nobody swore in the movies, no butt cheeks were bared on TV. Blood spray from gunshots and charred corpses were never seen. Cops and their trailer park targets were behind-the-scenes. Paparazzi was non-existent, nobody videotaped you cheating on your wife. Female presidential candidates? Ridiculous. A black president? Not likely. Definitely a different time.

Aside from all the usual bits of trivia you see in those "In the year you were born..." articles, give this a mental chewing...

Gary was:

• 5 years old when the Korean War ended
• 9 years old when the Soviets launched Sputnik
• 11 years old when Hawaii became the 50th state
• 15 years old when Kennedy was assassinated
• 21 years old when the first man landed on the moon

So much of human history can be revealed just by talking to the person next to you.

While I was looking for events over the last 60 years, I found this article from 1958 where Popular Mechanics made predictions for what life would be like in 2000. Amusing and a little unsettling at the same time.

*****

Gary's answer to "have you ever smoked pot?"? "I'm saving up all my vices for when I'm 80." "So," I asked, "It'll be all, 'Help me to the can [urp]! And don't spill my bong water! And for *$&%'s sake! This time try not to catch your finger on my piercing!'?" At 80. hee hee.

It is with some degree of regret that I didn't think to get all the juicy stories out of my grandparents while they were still alive. Thankfully, my parents and their siblings offer glimpses of times past, and it's inspired me to work on a project. So if you're a part of my life? Don't be surprised to see an email from me soon grilling you on your past.

Some individuals can make big impressions on society in general, but, in my opinion, the collective stories of humans growing up have a bigger impact. Those stories are the ones that make you feel not so alone.

Let me whisper sweet nothings in your ear...

As in, I'm doing sweet nothing today.

I may have the best boss ever created by man. Thus, I am on vacation today. Short story...not that important.

Anyway, things of observation...

Remember that recipe I made with arborio rice and (GAG) tarragon? Well I still have the rice sitting in my pantry so I experimented a little last night. Chicken stock instead of water. A little butter. The rice. Follow the directions on the rice package. A little lemon juice and the only thing missing from my favorite Greek lemon-rice soup is well...soup. Sprinkle some Parmesan on it and delish! I used all chicken stock, which made it a little salty. You could probably ratio water and chicken stock for less salt. Tarragon, leave this home and be gone from my sight!

***

I'm still in bed, watching "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" episodes on dvd, and this particular episode revolves around the school talent show. Which just reminded me of this skit I did in a talent show at our grade school with a then best friend of mine. We did that old phantom arms thing with a makeup demonstration. Kristie stood in front and spoke to the audience while she held her hands behind and I applied her makeup with my own arms...pretending they were her arms. Get it? If I remember it right, we got some good laughs. All right, this is how I remember it. We ROCKED. In my head.

In junior high and high school we started hanging out with decidedly different groups and eventually we drifted apart. Then, back in 2002, my mom noticed an article in the local Illinois newspaper. Not sure how I feel about it. I had forgotten about it until I was just watching this Buffy episode. I recall when I first read about it, how I really didn't have much reaction to it then either. Which makes me think I'm damaged or something. It was something of a "Meh" reaction. RIP, Kristie. I miss our friendship, brief though it was.

***

I've started reading Dispatches by Michael Herr. I think he's the guy who wrote the screenplays for "Full Metal Jacket" and "Apocalypse Now." He writes as a war correspondent while in Vietnam. You can tell in the writing. The point of view speaks volumes of a man exposed to horrors no one should ever see, and written by someone with a decided "dialect" of the 60's. All he left out is "man" after every sentence.

BTW, any guesses on why "Apocalypse Now" would be perpetually unavailable on Netflix? I still have yet to see the movie in its entirety.

***

I had a lovely list of things to do today: clean the house, whittle down the pile of excess belongings in my possession, clean the bike in prepration for bringing it in the house for the winter. In the immortal words of Dana Carvey as George Bush, "Not gonna do it." Shortly, I'll be moving into "Command Central (where we keep the BIG computers)" and playing video games till my butt falls asleep. Shower be damned!

Netflix-a-go-go

Anybody want a free month trial of Netflix? Email me your address and I'll forward the freebie to you. Enjoy!

Kuj Recommends The Following Junk...

Whenever we go on a club ride, we usually do one-stop shopping at a gas station. We can fuel up, take a break, get a cool beverage and glom down crap.

My travels have introduced me to these delectables:

Dark Chocolate Mint 3 Musketeers
Java Twix
Gummy Lifesavers (Mixed Berry)

There are no taste buds down there

Hah. You thought that was dirty didn't you? 'Snot.

I just wanted to publicly announce that I am eating a mashed potato bowl from KFC for lunch. It's mashed potatoes, corn, gravy, breaded chicken bits and cheese. And, so far, I've managed to keep it down.

While this isn't newsworthy in most cases, I am an exception in that my entire life (so far) has consisted of consuming food as if it were perpetually served on a sectioned Chinet plate. I do not mix my food. There is never corn mixed with the mashed potatoes and gravy. There are NEVER cranberries touching the green bean casserole. Barf noise.

I am constantly forced to respond to the statement, "It all ends up in the same place," with a scathing, "I don't have to taste it once it's down there."

Here I am, eating a mishmosh in a bowl...frankly it's not bad. But if there were cranberries in it too, I'd have to draw the line. Barf noise. Guess I'll check this off my list too; right up there with skydiving and track day.

Everyone out there in the food-mixin' USA, have a great 4th of July. Mind the fingers and toes.

Also? This woman scares me....

Psycho Stepford Woman!

Trish, considering the schedule you have, wouldn't you just love to mush every last ingenious, meticulously designed muffin all over her cake-hole?

....I'm so jealous...

Tidbits

• Snow's gone here. It's supposed to be 67 today...I might go out after work and enjoy it...if I can stand upright in the 50 mph wind.

• Amy's band Plain Ole Delicious will be playing at Chicago City Limits in Schaumburg on May 20. Go see her for me!

• This weekend is the Spring Flood Run. I've never participated as an actual owner/rider in a rally before, so I'm mildly excited. Also, I'm interested to find out if I can stand to be around the CVSC guys without the alcohol buffer. And if they can stand me, of course. Riding out with them...I'll bring along my camera and report back.

• Pictured below is why I get paid. This is our digital press. The dude pictured gives you an idea of the actual size. Only difference is we don't have the extra section on the right end. We just upgraded our software and a technician is here helping us fix the glitches. Which is why I'm (at the moment) getting paid to blog. But only briefly. :)
  

Hey! It ain't the 6 inches!

A result of the Battle of Wills vs. Mother Nature.


Yeah, there's some, but not as much as those evil-doers (meterologists) said. I call that a win! It should be gone tomorrow...mid 50's then. But it's cutting into the pothole-dodging, sand-skidding, gravel-jumping motorcycling I could be doing by now. Also...SO sick of snow and cold. I may have mentioned that a phew hundred times. I always need something to whine (read: bitch) about, or I phear I will blow up.

This stuff is delish.

We have an Irish pub down near the UWEC campus that serves this nectar of the Irish gods. Just add the people-watching and it's a phull night. By "people" I mean mostly college students, which are just about the most entertaining and amusing group of uncertain, uncomfortable, experimenting (particularly with clothes and phacial hair) people around. And as I've realized last night, have NO taste when it comes to alcohol. Sheep.

The All-Mighty Brother introduced me to Beamish on a road trip up to Menomonie for a wedding rehearsal party. Ah, my phirst roady sody.

Hey is this "ph" obsession my new trademark? Or are ya all just really annoyed by it?

For some reason, it reminds me of a post one of the guys put on the CVSC forum. Check it out.

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

I'm not the only one who can breeze through that, right?

Just morbidly curious? Or Jeffrey Dahmerish?

Today's news blurb heard on the way into work...blah blah blah performed emergency surgery by drilling into a man's skull with a Bosch power drill. Me..."I wonder what smoldering skull smells like? And what kind of coolant do you use?"