Vern, My Muse

I've struck up an entertaining back and forth with one of our customers based in Fort Collins, Co. Sometimes people don't realize what spark they light in the cockles of my brain. My friend on the West Sigh-eed brightens my day with his friendly, pointy wit and the odd pop-culture speak we share. Recently we were sending emails with Latin phrases in the subject line, until he actually pieced one together, thwarting my easy Latin-to-English Googling. Here's a sampling of an email I started and realized it made a better post.

"We've finally got sun today after clouds and rain the better part of the week. I've got a screamer of a headache and I think it's this smelly-ass perfume I'm sampling. I smell like a half-dead old lady. That discussion we had about smells that make you sick? As far as perfume is concerned, instead of sucking you in with an initial lovely scent when dabbed at the neck and wrists, if a scent has the potential for making you ill later on in the day, someone should manufacture some kind of chemical reaction that causes it to smell like fart or rotting corpse upon instant contact with skin. Then you'd know and it would save you giving yourself a whore's bath in the sink at work. Because you KNOW my boss's brain is reeling away trying to figure out why the tips of my hair are wet after I've exited the bathroom.

Also, I should refrain from shaking hands with anyone this weekend. I know, you're thinking I'm wary of swine flu. I'm really not. It's just that my brother's girlfriend took it upon herself (a nice thoughtful thing to do) to purchase poo tickets for the household and somehow managed to find ONE-PLY. I'm not one for ripping through the RPMs when unrolling the T.P., but, since I'm a wadder, I'm fairly sure that's twice as much coming off the roll so as to further distance myself.

Yes, WAY more than you could possibly ever want to know. Meh. I figure, we're both human, we both excrete, along with everything else. Hey, wouldn't it be fun if we were like plants and just expelled a gas instead of dropping the kids off at the pool? Think of the chunk of the planet we'd save. We could all start peeing around the yard like the pets (except for the winter)..."