Friday, May 9, 2008

Karma believes that revenge is a dish best served cold

I dig Karma. I may not know the exact definition, but in my head, it's the Universe's version of a bitch-slap to anyone who wrongs another. I believe it extends over many lifetimes, hence I'm also a believer of reintarnation (that's the redneck version).

For some reason, I hesitate to spill the entire story on my blog. Probably from fear that, reading my "haha take that you dirtbag" attitude will inspire Karma to practice reciprocity and bitch-slap me for not being a gracious person. Also, in the INCREDIBLY unlikely event that the object of this story happens upon my blog, that aforementioned object would remain anonymous and....oh hell. Everyone's gonna figure it out. I just won't mention any names of the BILLIONS of SERIOUS boyfriends I've had in the past. All one of them.

My birthday came and went last month with little fanfare. Honestly, I've now reached the age where I understand why so many people don't bother with the number of years they've been alive, mostly because you can really say that you don't feel as old as the number sounds. Having said that, I'll be 36-and-a-half in October. Start planning.

As I said, the blessed event came and mom sent me an email about four days after. It was forwarded from my cousin, who showed some concern that the information contained within would possibly ruin my special day. Here I will pause and thank everybody who gave me a gift with wholehearted gratitude. But....this one email was THE best birthday present. Ever.

As quoted from Heb's email (names have been changed to protect the innocent and, also, the karmically bitch-slapped):

I'm sitting at a high table in the bar at a place called Fax And The Pound in Barrel Dream, Millinois with Madeline and Sue Ellen. We've just ordered our first drinks and are contemplating our food order. ...This woman rams into my chair, even though there is AT LEAST 5 feet between my chair and the chair across the aisle from me. So I comment to Madeline about how annoying this is. Not 10 minutes later I get rammed into again and I look to see it's the back of the SAME GD fat woman and I'm like WTF?

So, about 15 minutes later this couple is walking towards the door, about to pass me, the woman is bitching and the guy is just looking like he desperately wants to get this bitching woman some food. She's pregnant, fat, unattractive and not happy. I see his face and the SHOCK fills me because it's PONY MILAS! I immediately look at his hand and he has a wedding band on. As they pass I watch them head for the door, in slow motion, and it's the same back of head of the FAT ASS woman who has rammed into my chair not once, but twice!!!!! They leave with her bitching at him because it's too crowded to eat there and he's just desperately trying to get her to STFU!
I don't think he had a clue it was me...
What makes this sweet, sweet Karma-on-a-stick? "Pony" was once my boyfriend...for the impressionable years...somewhere between my first two years of high school till maybe '96(?). I gained weight (100 lbs maybe?), became self-conscious about it and eventually refused to remove clothing for any reason other than to shower by myself, thereby all but ending anything intimate. As it takes two to tango, he didn't help in the way that true loved ones would help a fellow loved one in need...I was snidely reminded from time to time that fat was unacceptable in his eyes. You know, because he could pass for Brad Pitt. <--sarcasm. Trust me, I'm older and wiser now. Should I have the opportunity to return to the beginning, I would've continued to turn down the year-and-a-half attempt to get me to go out with him.

Long story short, it ended rather horrendously. My mom and I recently read Hunter S. Thompson's "Hell's Angels," and she got a kick out of the following phrase she found in that book: "dread spectacle." That's what it turned out to be. And one event that even Jerry Springer would've loved to witness.

Many years have passed, and after spending WAY too much time in the "poor me" phase, and NOT exacting revenge for my hurts, my time has come. I recall once, mired in pain and misery, "Oh, he'll get his. I'll just sit back and watch it happen, knowing he did it all himself."

I've learned some important things from this. One of the most know how when your best friend or your child starts to date someone that you just can't warm up to? Or the "outsider" fails to treat your loved one with respect, love, admiration, or can't even be nice? How if you say something to your loved one, they are likely to become defensive and accuse you of not knowing how they really are? Horrid bullshit. All of it. Take in those observations. Pay attention to what other people around you see in your relationship. They know of what they speak. Otherwise, you'll lazy-ass your way through a poisoned relationship WAY too long for your mental and physical health. My advice to you...I'm not using it (at the moment).

I hope his kid turns out fat too. (I couldn't help myself.)


  1. THANK YOU for making me laugh so hard and so long that I may have new wrinkles to kick off my weekend! I love you!!!!
    That nickname is going to stick now because someone else you know, Northwest of you, has called me that as well. 2 of you make it an official nickname!

  2. First of all, thanks for taking my quote, I'm not using it. Glad to know you listen sometimes.

    Second, how sad to wish fatness on the unborn child who you know will probably be born with serious latent myopia. Thankfully the little tyke will have a nose large enough to hang those bottle bottoms off of.

    Third, and finally, I believe I, myself, have personally met Pony some time in the past. I believe I might even have been present at the dread spectacle. Surely you will admit that in hindsight it would make a great sitcom episode!

    Love to chat but have to get more of the fat vacuumed out of me!

  3. Anonymous Cousin:
    My new motto: If you can't be pretty, you better be funny.

    Anonymous Mom:
    First point, I used the "kicked the slats out of my crib" line on Anonymous Brother. I knew you'd be proud. Maybe even wipe a tear of pride from your eye.

    2nd point: I did not stoop to open mocking in my post, so I'll just add to your open mocking in the comments: Bet the only hair left is in his nose.

    3rd: You would thrown a chair had you been able to stop laughing long enough.

    4th: Looking back, at least you didn't need to have the fat sucked out of your head.

    Love you. :-)

  4. well, having just had someone fire up my karma and run over my dogma, its good to know that it will come back some point. your the best Kuj